The Serendipity Of My Existence

"Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realise that what you have found is more suited to your needs than what you thought your were looking for" - Lawrence Block

Guess what? I found this quote online and thought long and hard about what it meant to me at this moment in time. Yep, it's 2.38am on a Saturday morning (or Friday night) and I'm on my third cup of coffee because who really has time for sleep these days? 

Truthfully, I struggle with immense thoughts of self-comparison and feelings of inadequacy. I suspect it's a result of the mindless scrolling through social media and lack of fellowship and prayer in my everyday routine. This brought me to the very question that's been replaying in the back of my mind... "How did I end up in this position, and how much of it is a result of my own doing?" No, I'm not talking about my mental or emotional state, I am in fact referring to my physical circumstances revolving around the materialistic BS like; net worth, career, relationships, area code, travel stamps... you get the idea. Seeing people you once ate and drank with excel in all aspects of financial and social construct can really warp one's own perception of oneself. What exactly have I done wrong that caused me to deviate immensely from my flight path? (Apologies, that was an analogy taken out of my Flight Navigation textbook.) Did I really divert so far off that I've ended up going around in circles with no real progress, or is this the normal rate at which people make progress? How could I have had the world at my feet at one moment in time, and allowed it to slip right under me to the point where I have to start from scratch? How much of it is to be blamed on my parents, and how much of it is my fault? Here's the short answer...It's all my fault. Or here's a better wording for that answer... I am the result of my own actions. I learned too late in life that discipline is necessary and paramount in order to unlock the next level. That is why I struggle to see why so many people around me are several levels ahead, while I literally had to reboot and restart the entire console. 

Sitting here now, I am able to look back and uncover why some things had to happen the way that it did. This is the most cliché s**t you'll read from this entire post, but honestly, truly, character development is so dependent upon the quantity of s**t-storms that life throws at you, and its level of aggression. I could never in a million years create and produce the level of work-ethic and self-discipline I have now back when I was 21 years old, living my so called best life and therefore setting myself back a good 10 years of productivity. I tried to think of all the things I could have done differently to save me from this setback, but the reality is that my younger self would have kept making poor choices and horrible judgement, until I sat through a fiery furnace that left me no choice, but to turn to God. So to answer my own question, I ended up here because I am meant to be here. To take inventory of what I was able to unfold and unravel within the past 4 years has left me little room for envy and despair. I am grateful. I may not be quiet there, but I'm well on my way.

That is the serendipity of my my existence...