A slave to self-righteousness

“The self-righteous screams judgments against others to hide the noise of skeletons dancing in their own closets” - John Mark Green 

If I am self-aware of my own egocentric thoughts and my inability to refrain from judgment against those who don’t necessarily fit my ideals of moral standards and boundaries, does that make me a “self-aware self-righteous guru”?

That question was rhetoric of course. I'm actually embarrassed of myself and the fact that I never realized how deeply rooted I was in the practices of self-righteous behaviour...The gas lighting, the sarcastic remarks, the condescending tone and the ever-present high-horse that I refuse to step down from. In fact, I’ve arrived at an interesting conclusion surrounding the mental framework of my thought patterns. I’ve uncovered (not saying that this applies to everyone, but in my case it most certainly does) that in pursuit of obedience and living a straight, “Christ-like” path, the growth rate of my self-righteous attitude has become directly proportional to the positive progress of my obedience. Let me say this in simple terms, the more obedient choices I make, the higher up the ladder of moral superiority I climb up. The higher up I go, the harder it is for me to see where I once was and who I used to be. My “every-day sins” become less, and so my ego feeds off this self-righteousness like a flesh-eating bacterium, devouring my soul from the inside, while the outer display of my characteristics seem perfectly untouched and righteous in every way possible (or at least I seem to think it does anyway).

So what happens when I too slip up and commit sin? I feel tremendous guilt and shame, and then I am reminded that Jesus does not condemn me, but rather convicts me. I am convicted to do better and be better. As a Christian, young still in faith, the ability to distinguish between conviction and condemnation has been a revelation in my walk with Christ, it is the very motivation of my capacity to pick myself up and try again. So why on earth then is it so hard for me to exercise the same grace and love toward my Neighbours? I am quick to pick faults and form conclusions at the slightest evidence of disobedience and iniquity. I claim to practice "listening to understand, rather than replying", and yet at the very core of all my understanding and effort to relate and empathize, is the cancerous urge to object and disapprove simply because I couldn’t fathom partaking in any activities that disagree with my so-called incorruptible standards. I forget that I was once there. A person who lacked awareness and made every decision based on emotional fulfilment and temporary gratification. I forget that I too, am a sinner with skeletons in my closet. I thought about all the sins that I struggle with behind closed doors... The thoughts that go through my head and the things I do when no is watching, and then I realize that the only difference between me and the person next to me whom I had spent so much time passing judgment and criticism on is that her sins are on display whilst mine are simply hidden away with only God to witness. I am reminded that at the foot of the cross, we are all equal sinners. No sin is therefore, greater than the other.

I have been pursing obedience in the worse way possible. I may have looked at it as way to prove to myself and others that I am worthy of God’s grace, forgetting that His grace is given to me completely free, no strings attached. This of course is not a license for me to make bad, hasty choices, but it allows me to witness the people around me who are struggling with their own sins, and to notice they are not exempt from God’s love and kindness. Jesus would never look at someone with disapproval and disgust, so who am I to do that? I too am a work in progress, battling this inscrutable, internalized sin.

I am on the path of self-righteous recovery and that’s okay because I too have been saved by grace.